Do Right...

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you piss me off.

you throw me under the bus repeatedly.

(and others for that matter)

what do you do for me? 

what have you ever done to save me or take care of me?

i can take it for a while. 

but, you know what… 

if i don’t take care of myself, clearly no one else will.

so piss off. 

i’m taking care of myself…

and i’m taking care of others in the process. 

- 

you have nothing to be jealous of anymore.

you have nothing to worry about.

you have her.

i’m making your life easier - i bow out

i throw my hands up.

i will not be the one to chase.

i always chase… and i’m sick of it

fuck that. 

i am resentful.

i am hurt,

and i am angry.

- 

be stupid

be spiteful

be careless 

because you are.

i’ve had enough of coaxing in hopes that you’ll get your head out of your ass

i’m being blunt

and yes, i’m being brutally honest.

i can understand carefree… 

i can understand curiosity…

i know emotionality. 

but there is a difference between those and carelessness.

- 

words are cheap

actions are ambiguous

i don’t believe your words

because your actions give you away.

- 

think what you will.

feel what you will. 

do what you want.

i so wish i could tell you go stay the fuck away from her

but i don’t want that. 

that’s not my call in any way, shape, or form.

both your actions are within your control.

just like mine have always been and are in mine.

yeah… just wait.

keep waiting.

i don’t want to control anyone else’s actions

i just control my own. 

- 

i have a lot of patience for crap.

i have a lot of patience for people. 

i want to see people change

because i know everyone can.

and i despise them for giving up.

i hate them for being the only ones that stop themselves from becoming better. 

and they do it because they’re stubborn

because they’re spiteful. 

- 

i’m sharp

i’m harsh

i’m volatile

and you know what, i have my limits. 

i give second chances.

i have given you too many

and with every single one you have blown

my patience has become frayed… 

my trust has been frayed. 

and so has my ability to be kind and gentle and empathetic.

- 

i have control over what i do… 

what i say… 

what i show.

you know what, i can lie.

i can lie convincingly too.

the reason i ‘suck at it’ is because i want to suck at it.

i can do anything.

i can change myself in any way i want.

no matter how hard it might be.

- 

i wash my hands.

deal with your own crap

and deal with it without jeopardizing others.

it’s your choices

your decisions

and your responsibility to deal with the consequences.

- 

grow the fuck up.

you’re an immature shit that has been way too lucky.

it’s your choice to stay that way or change it.

a year ago i know what you would have done.

i don’t know you anymore.

but i know what you would do now… 

you’d sit down and absorb all of that and say that you are excused from any and all responsibility of being a selfish jerk.

you’d just say ‘yep, that’s me’ and continue being that.

and for that, more than anything, i want to beat the shit out of you.

because you’re showing to everyone and yourself that you’re weak

that you give up

that you don’t take responsibility

- 

if you’ve been so adamant to prove me wrong about you

congratulations. 

you’re succeeding.

and what’s worse… 

you could be great.

but you’re hell-bent on throwing that away.

so fine.

whatever.

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how can i tell you i need you… 

i feel like i need you too much… 

you’re not responsible for helping me deal with all my shit…

you shouldn’t be. 

i don’t want you to fix things for me… 

because that’s not fair and not really helpful in a way.

- 

but i needed you so badly today… 

i need you right now… 

but i can’t say this to you. 

i can’t say it because you’ve had so much crap to deal with.

and it’s not fair for me to dump all my shit on you as well. 

i wish i could make you smile more… 

i wish i could make you laugh… 

calm you more. 

i just wish i knew what to do… 

do i ask or back off… 

i feel like there are pros and cons to both… 

and i don’t want you to misunderstand… 

if i ask… it’s because i care and i want to know… 

… i want to help or just be there for you.

if i back off… it’s not because i don’t care… 

just because i don’t want to keep pushing all the time.

… i want to give you space and be there when you want to come to me… 

and all i can do is hope that you will come to me… 

and talk to me… 

but i feel like no matter which one i choose… 

i’ll pick the wrong one for the time… 

a lose-lose situation.

- 

and right now all i want… 

all i need is for you to tell me three little words… 

and give me a hug… 

or just hear the sound of your voice… 

but i can’t ask.

i won’t ask… because you deserve a reprieve from my shit.

you deserve to wind down and get some rest…. 

… i’m sorry.

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*whisper* somebody… 

anybody… 

i just need to be picked up right now… 

just need someone to try make me smile… 

- 

i don’t know what just happened…. 

i don’t know where this wave came from. 

… i just want all of this to be over…. 

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purpose…

i keep hearing about purpose…

i keep hearing about finding meaning in our lives. 

and i keep wondering… what is mine? 

i feel like i’m standing in the middle of an intersection…

a complicated one with so many lights and arrows 

and unseen twists and turns…

i have so many options.

but what do i want? 

can i incorporate everything i want into one thing?

one direction? one path?

… but then i wonder… 

well… why can’t i have multiple… 

why can’t i change my mind and pursue a variety of things?

(maybe not at the same time since i SUCK at multitasking)

- 

what kind of purpose do they mean?

what kind of meaning? 

… my life has some meaning. 

it has meaning to me… 

i know it has meaning to my family members… 

to varying degrees. 

and i would like to think that it has meaning to a few other people. 

… but i feel like they specifically talk about meaning and purpose for yourself.

western culture is very ego-centric in a way… 

and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

like everything in life… there are two sides to the same coin.

but playing on this egocentric view of life meaning and purpose… 

what is mine? 

it’s spring… it’s sunny outside and i’m itching to run and play… 

and i’m writing.

i jot down thoughts and ideas…

things that i want to change…

things that i wonder about.

and right now… 

i am so focused on education.

i want to teach… 

i feel like at the core of everything… 

that’s my purpose. 

but i want to change things.

i want to teach, yes. 

but i want the process… i want the system… to be better.

i want more people to get the optimal opportunity to learn.

because that should be a RIGHT

not a privilege.

-

… this system does not work.

so change it.

change has to start somewhere.

and if we think that it is pointless to change the system… 

well we’re going to continue playing by these rules… 

and nothing will happen… again.

yes, change requires patience… 

but that’s not the same as giving in.

… even Darwin noted that change comes about when the older generation is ushered out of the system… 

each subsequent generation brings about more change… 

novel ideas.

… why do we suppress that? 

yeah… it’s scary knowing that after a while your methods become obsolete…

but do they have to be? 

what if you adapt too? 

yes, that takes work… but wouldn’t it be better?

students are MEANT to surpass their teachers… 

that’s what the teacher’s job is… 

to give the students the opportunity to learn just as much as they do…

and to take that knowledge and expand!

be creative… 

be innovative…

… make it fun and interesting.

make it relevant and useful.

… make knowledge applicable.

multifaceted… 

multimodal.

- 

i have the ability to draw from knowledge of psychology…

this is what interests me

this is what i have studied for five years… 

what i have read thousands of pages of text on… 

and you know what.

i loved LEARNING it.

but i hated being in school for it.

i feel like i am capable of implementing my knowledge in so many areas…

and yet… none at all.

i CAN do it. 

i CAN use what i have learned to do whatever i want… 

but in our world… 

who will believe you? 

B.Sc.? McDonald’s application is that way —>

hmmm… no. 

me having a master’s degree or a PhD won’t make me any better at this than i am now… 

it will make me better at research… 

it might  make me better at certain kinds of writing. 

but it will NOT prepare me for this.

you know what will? 

a CHANCE to actually DO IT.

practice…. 

field work… 

experience.

- 

… can i change the education system?

… maybe…. 

maybe i can. 

and maybe that’s what i’ll try.

it feels like the time is right… 

it feels like there is call for change.

if someone beats me to this… 

i want to work WITH you.

because it’s not about me.

it’s not about money.

it’s about doing something BETTER.

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every single person should have the right to have at least one person who believes in them… 

believes in who they are… unconditionally.